The Oscars

Good evening and welcome to the first, and likely only Academy Awards to be hosted by this blog. I’m Stiji, and I’ll be walking with you down the red carpet as we reminisce, ruminate, and ultimately judge harshly, the best movies Hollywood has produced over the last seven months. A total of 24 films are in the running for this year’s coveted ‘Best Picture’ Oscar (hosted proudly by Village Six Cinemas), but only one (perhaps more, if I get bored with thinking of ingenious award titles) will be the winner. I’d like to take this opportunity now to apologise to all those films I’ve probably seen but forgotten to list here: you will always remain close to the Academy’s heart, albeit shadowed by other, more memorable movies. And now, without further ado, I present to you 2011’s Oscars!

Best Film to See with a Fijian Audience THOR. Also the first to be viewed at Village Six, this gem was completed by the raucous laughter and howls of entertainment by the packed-out audience. Clearly a winner in the eyes of the people.

Best Platform for Harrison Ford Comeback COWBOYS & ALIENS. He defined the ‘space cowboy’ character in the seminal original Star Wars trilogy and returns over thirty years later as just a regular cowboy, but still manages to co-star with aliens. Typecast much?

Best Use of Creepy Teenaged Girl Assassin HANNA. This action film may have a star-studded cast, a pumping soundtrack courtesy of the Chemical Brothers, and some truly mesmerising visuals, but it’s all tied together by the wholly original (meaning non-horror) use of Hanna, the creepy teenaged girl assassin.

Best Unromantic Thriller CONTAGION. Sure, some people might enjoy seeing Gwyneth Paltrow being scalped, but the overarching message of this film is ‘don’t touch anything, or anyone’. And that message is brilliantly and terrifyingly executed.

Best Casting PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: ON STRANGER TIDES. Whoever decided to cast Johnny Depp and Salma Hayek together in this film is a genius. They look identical when wearing the same makeup. Yep. Only amazing thing about that movie, which says a lot.

Best Use of Sign Language RISE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. I didn’t understand any of it, because it was American Sign Language, but it was nevertheless cool seeing a computer-generated ape using sign language on the big screen, particularly given my current area of employment.

Best Use of a Token Black Guy HORRIBLE BOSSES. This buddy film is wrong in all the right ways, and Jamie Foxx plays a truly phenomenal pretend killer.

Best Mutilation of an Historical Event X-MEN: FIRST CLASS. This was a tough category to judge, with a number of films in contention for the award. However, adding mutants to the Cuban Missile Crisis was a genius idea, and made for a pretty stunning conclusion to one of the best films of the year.

Best…Lighting? CONAN. This film, well, it managed to have lighting throughout. Unfortunately that often meant having to watch some truly horrendous scenes.

Best Use of Green GREEN LANTERN. Hey, if anything, we learnt that computer imagery-produced superhero masks do not work. Plus, you know, hold onto your green items of clothing and eat your broccoli: it all might just be the secret to unlimited power.

Best Half of a Movie: HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2. It was a truly momentous finale, there’s no denying it. But that’s all it was – a two hour finale to end a much-loved franchise spanning a decade. *Sob*.

Best Re-release of Childhood Classic in 3D LION KING 3D. The stampede. In 3D. How could it not win? And don't even get me started on the death of Mufasa.

Best Use of Lens Flare ALL the Time SUPER 8. A creature feature, a blast from the past, an homage to all those Steven Spielberg movies we loved growing up, this film also contained more lens flares than you can poke a stick at. And there’s really nothing wrong with that.

Best Character Death THREE MUSKETEERS. When a character’s name is actually ‘Milady’, she deserves to die. Doubly so considering Milla Jovovich plays her. And what better way to go than to be pushed off a hybrid zeppelin/tallship into the French Channel?

Best Beginning and End, But Sucky Middle TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON. Great beginning, excellent use of 3D technology, and a pretty spectacular ending. Why did Michael Bay even bother with the exposition? It’s a movie based on a toy franchise.

Best Poorly-Executed Idea IN TIME. It had such promise. Then they decided to cast Justin Timberlake as the protagonist, and gave him a weak script to work off. But interesting idea all the same.

Best Inclusion of Flying Cars CARS 2. Not since Chitty Chitty Bang Bang have I seen a film showcasing such amazing flights of fancy using cars. It doesn’t quite have the same magic as the old Disney classic, but let’s just chalk that up to the film not having memorable tunes.

Best Actors in a Bad Movie YOUR HIGHNESS. I’m really not sure what Natalie Portman and James Franco were thinking.

Best Use of Body Bronzer IMMORTALS. This was a close tie with Transformers, but the sheer amount of bronzer used on every half-naked cast member was more than enough to push Immortals over the line. All the weird gold headgear helped as well.

Best Father-Son Film REAL STEEL. Predictable, yet heartwarming (and with killer robots!!! Woot!), this film was a surprising crowd-pleaser with real heart. Also, Hugh Jackman looks weird without his Wolverine hairdo.

Best Villain CAPTAIN AMERICA. Hugo Weaving with a giant red skull for a head? That’s a win right there, even without mentioning the fact he wields a fist-sized cube that can destroy the world. And let’s not forget his dastardly Deutsche accent. Wunderbar!

Best Combination of Science Fiction and Christmas ARTHUR CHRISTMAS. Any Christmas-themed movie that features the vocal talents of Hugh Laurie and James McAvoy is already a win. Add a Christmas sled that has a cloaking device and is as large as a city, and you have an Oscar-winning film on your hands.

Best Emotional Film THE DESCENDANTS. Definitely a film that was hampered by a Fijian audience, not helped, yet still managed to be beautiful and tragic at the same time. A rare gem that will make you laugh (not as much as Fijians) and cry (almost).

Best Use of a Pizza Delivery Guy 30 MINUTES OR LESS. I mean come on. It’s not every day the main character is a loser pizza delivery guy that gets a bomb strapped to his chest and is forced to rob a bank.

The Oscars: proudly presented to you by Village Six Cinemas

And now, I present to you all, what I consider to be the Best Picture this year. This is the film that I enjoyed above all others. It has a fantastic cast, an engaging yet bittersweet story, and like The Descendants, managed to walk the line between hilarity and heartbreak with poise and sensitivity. It was also one of only a few movies I’ve seen where the lucky dip presented me with a vanilla choc top instead of coffee.

The winner of this year’s Best Picture goes to – CRAZY STUPID LOVE.

I was SO close to writing a terrible pun about me being crazy and stupid for loving it….I’m glad I dodged that landmine.

Please note: these films are not in any particular order. As I said before, I have very probably forgotten to list several movies that I’ve seen and then forgot about. Blame it on the all too frequent choc top overdoses.