Sunburn

There are many, many things that set expats apart from tourists visiting Fiji. The ability to pronounce ‘Bula’ correctly; the knowledge that whilst you can wear a t-shirt and shorts to work, the line is drawn before you combine socks with sandals; and knowing where to find the few good coffee places are just a few examples. Then there’s the whole actually being culturally sensitive thing. But what is it that actually sets them apart? Steveinfeej investigates.

New research suggests that over time, expats develop what experts and teenaged bloggers alike have labelled ‘Awesome Shields’, or ‘Shields of Awesome’ (evidence can be found both in peer-reviewed scientific journals such as I Can’t Believe It’s Non-Fiction Journal and The International Journal of the Mundane and Strange, and like, all up in the blogosphere). Dependent on the initial awesomeness of the individual, an expat can develop this shield in as little as one month, and thus begin life as a non-tourist.

Figure 1: the muppet and clown in this image made the mistake of donning Fijian clothing  before developing an Awesome Shield. Results are as you see them.

An expat with an Awesome Shield develops a natural repellent to Bula shirts and other Fijian/Indo Fijian fashion. However, should a Bula shirt or otherwise be particularly ferocious and force itself onto the expat, that expat’s Awesome Shield will alter the appearance of the apparel, enabling the wearer to, in layman’s terms, look fully sick. The longer one employs an Awesome Shield, the less likely one will be forced to wear Fijian clothing. Generally speaking, should an expat have to wear Fijian attire after approximately  one year of living in situ, that expat will pull it off so well s/he will elicit cries of pleasure and potential shouts of ‘uro!’ from the local population.

Figure 2: Awesome shields are very evidently in place in this image, as the girls here look at ease and practically native.

Awesome Shields also protect the bearer from being ripped off, to varying degrees. In its nascent stage, a Shield of Awesome is only capable of identifying threats, not dealing with them. For example, an expat with only three or four months in country will know that s/he is being ripped off when s/he is charged $35 taxi fare to the airport. An increased Awesome level allows for slight manipulation of what is technically known as the ‘rip-offeree’. This includes purchasing multiple drinks simultaneously, just prior to happy hour ending, and flashing a homemade ‘local ID’ in order to get cheaper rates at an assortment of venues (NB: this cheaper rate is by no means the same as a local rate, but at least partially diminishes the effects of having lighter skin). A fully-developed Awesome Shield allows the bearer to maintain cordial relations, either independently or via a well-connected network, with a number of resort-style establishments. This is in addition to having an intimate knowledge, to the 10c, of taxi fares within Suva, as well as the ability to shout down a driver who refuses to turn on his metre. A fully-fledged Shield of Awesome can, in the right environment, also work to rip off the locals (an honour system has been put in place, although it unfortunately has not prevented certain individuals for using their powers for evil). For instance, the Shield is capable of creating an air of confidence that Fijians are not capable of puncturing. Uses for this include walking into various establishments without paying (ranging from gyms to resort restaurants for free buffet breakfasts), getting chairs delivered to the office only 3 weeks after you paid for them, and giving smaller fares to taxi drivers who are stupid enough not to have a metre and think you’re nothing more than a clueless tourist.

Finally, Awesome Shields are able, if developed enough, to prevent sunburn. Please note, they are not capable of preventing skin cells going into trauma. Being an invisible and highly conceptual idea, Awesome Shields can in no way block UV rays. They can, however, turn those rays into a rather healthy glow, which assists in providing yet another physical differentiator between expats and tourists.

Unfortunately, the Awesome Shield has not been tested enough to ascertain its effects on those tourists that come to visit expats. It has been suggested that proximity to one bearing an Awesome Shield affords non-expats some low level protection. Whilst this is highly probable, recent field research has ascertained that the Shield of Awesome has no effect on others’ tanning abilities, leaving all but the bearer of the Shield burnt and peeling after prolonged exposure to the sun.

Figure 3: Note the healthy glow of the Awesome Shield emanating from the expat (second from left),  with the other subjects exhibiting either pastiness or sunburn.

More research into this fascinating area of quasi-science is needed before fully conclusive remarks can be made. The author would like to thank members of WorldLan Summit 2011 for taking part in the most recent iteration of study. The author would also like to thank WorldLan for sponsoring the study. ‘WorldLan: Whatever, Your Mother Works at McDonalds’.

On a personal note, I’d like to thank Poods, Fatto and Danny (you really need an offensive nickname) for visiting me. Specifically, thank you for making me, for the first time in my life, look incredibly brown and awesome, and for providing some fantastically hilarious company during a time when work was so frustrating (read the previous blog post for further details). You guys are awesome!